TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional area where American Guys can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give Everybody a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from space, a feature getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A silent atrium where by attendees might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have change-down company."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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